Reddit Introverts

As an introvert, I subscribe to the introvert sub on Reddit. The same things come up all the time: loneliness, in need of connection, and unwillingness to leave the house. As an introvert who has spent a lot of time figuring myself out since I was a kid, I am going to share some tips with my fellow introverts.

1.     You must leave your house. We are starting off by ripping off the Band-Aid. To quote Dr. Seuss, “I’m sorry to say so, but sadly it’s true…” Yes, we must leave our house. I know this is hard, so we must be intentional about this. Leaving the house is already its own nightmare of discomfort so make sure to choose a place or activity that you enjoy. It is okay if your preferred place or activity is a solo one. The first and most important step is getting out of the house. Once we are out of the house, we can work on our skills.

2.     Practice your skills when there is an opportunity. Okay so we have gotten you out of your house, and now we must practice our communication and social skills when we have an opportunity to. This means you must be alert! I am not talking about going out of your way to make friends. No. An extrovert will come along and claim you one day. You will not have to do anything. Side note: we will talk about those lovely extroverts later. You simply need to get into the habit of conversing with other people. You have it in you, but you likely do not use it much. Remember to make eye contact and say hello. Whether it is the barista taking your order, someone you are passing along the sidewalk, or someone at the bus stop you are waiting at – acknowledge the person by making eye contact, saying hello, and a soft natural smile if you can. That’s it! If the other person begins talking, simply carry on with the conversation.

3.     Learn to appreciate the art of small talk. Small talk has a bad reputation because a lot of people think that it implies you don’t really care, and it’s an act of going through the motions. It is only that if you make it that. Many people claim that they want to hear about your quirks, obsessions, traumas, etc. No. That is a big fat NO from me, and I will tell you why. It means you have ZERO discernment about who you’re talking to. Can you imagine a stranger just dumping any category of these things on you? I would feel concern for someone who does that. If you cannot ask someone how they are doing and genuinely be curious or caring about their wellbeing that is a YOU issue not a small talk issue. If you turn that question into a “going through the motions” question, that is a YOU issue. To be fair, some people really are going through the motions. If that is the case, you don’t need to engage further than you want to. If you deem it unintentional (it often is), you can choose to slow down the conversation and dig a little deeper into the question. Example: So, everything is fine? Work? The kids? Any new hobbies or anything exciting happening? The key is genuine curiosity about the other person. You get deeper in conversations by opening the conversation with something small. That is the point!

4.     Extroverts are the way to go! No, we do not need to become extroverts or try to be more extroverted. A good, extroverted friend will not try to change you. Extroverts are easy for introverts because they do all the social work. As an introvert, all you have to do is be in proximity of an extrovert. They are bound to loop you in, and they do not care that you are not the social type. Once an extrovert befriends you, they will add you to their social calendar. It is then your job to show up to those social events as you can. By default, you will meet other people and make new friends. If the number of social engagements is getting you down, let your extroverted friend know you need some downtime, but would love to join them next time. Communication – like in all relationships – is key.

5.     Avoid remaining online for connection. Two reasons why introverts on Reddit remain lonely: 1) you’re seeking advice from other introverts who are not leaving their house; 2) you want to only connect online only. If your online pursuits were fulfilling your connection needs, you wouldn’t be seeking more connection online. While being online is easier for an introvert, it is limited. We must create offline and in-person connections. Let’s get back to our extroverts for a second. They are fine with a low energy hang or a staying in hang, but not every single time. This is why we also need them – because they won’t let us rot alone in our houses. They will beg us to go out with them if we are going underground too long. We need those people in our lives. They are good for us.

6.     Connect with the people already in your social circle. One thing we are bad at is nurturing our connections. In addition to leaving our house, go through your phone and shoot a basic text to everyone you have not talked to in a while, and spend a few minutes replying to the texts you left unanswered. I find texts to be overwhelming at times, and a phone call is reserved for emergencies and death. I like writing. I started writing letters to people, and a lot of people really enjoy receiving letters. Do not expect to get a letter back if you do this! You can designate one day a month where you send a letter with updates or some new thing you learned/found, etc. And that is your connection point. Find your preferred way of connecting and do it consistently. Schedule it if you must.

Being an introvert is awesome, but we often get in our way. If we want to get deeper in our relationships, we must lay the groundwork for that. I have yet to meet a fellow introvert who wants a shallow relationship. We struggle with the initial phases. We must overcome those weaknesses and tendencies. Once we do, we are good friends. Extroverts are our counterbalance, and we are theirs. You can have beautiful relationships if you allow yourself a little discomfort. Remember: the more discomfort you lean into the easier and less uncomfortable it becomes.

Let me know in the comments if you have found any of these helpful, if you have additional tips for your fellow introverts, if you are an extrovert with some insight, or if you have additional questions.