Excuse Me While I Reinvent Myself

In 2022 I went to therapy for the first time.

Therapist: Why did you choose to start therapy?

Me: Because I self-sabotage and I’m trying to figure out why. I am in a vicious cycle.

While I couldn’t resolve this issue in therapy, it was the first time I admitted that I was in a horrible cycle of self-sabotage. Every ten years or so, I was ready to set my entire life ablaze. And while I did something that seemed wildly out of character every ten years or so, I realized that along the way I was building myself up to destroy it all about every three months and then justifying it. I thought that this was just how I functioned; that this is what I needed to feel alive and to keep moving forward. To grow. Afterall, ecological systems thrive after being set on fire, right?

HA!

That’s a really messed up way to live your life.

Fast forward to January 2024. I am so unbelievably burnt out and angry with my job, but I cannot afford to quit. I want to quit, but I am jaded. Like, really jaded. My thinking is toxic and completely screwed up. Every job listing is a red flag.

            “We’re looking for someone who can wear many hats!”                       

Translation: You don’t hire enough people.

“You’re someone who hits the ground running.”                       

Translation: You don’t train.

            “You’re available nights and weekends.”                      

  Translation: You want a slave.

MAY 2024

I have decided that I’ve done enough complaining and going nowhere in the process. I see this job posting and it’s to be a life insurance agent, and I think, “Finally! I totally believe in life insurance, I already talk about it to other people, and this is going to be my thing!”

All the green flags were there:

·       1099 Contract.

·       Make my own schedule.

·       Work as much or as little as I want.

·       No income cap.

·       I decide my worth.

·       The team I’m on is GREAT and that’s an understatement.

·       I really enjoy being with these people and working with them.

·       I get to work from home!

Obviously, I hit the jackpot. So, I studied hard. I took my exam, passed, and got my license.

Mid-July 2024

            My background check and license came through, and I started working as a life insurance agent. I genuinely enjoyed it and decided I’m going to go hard. This is my way out of my job. I drafted my resignation letter with the last day of work being December 31, 2024.

October 10, 2024

            Things are moving slower than I wanted, but I’m cool with it because working 7 days a week is kind of killing me. I’m not making any sales, but it’s okay because I love having these conversations with families. I hope that this conversation will give them a ha! moment. I realized I am not aligned with the insurance company’s practices and that’s why I am not closing. I quit. And then I listened to an audiobook for the first time in my life. I’m not an audiobook person; I love having a physical book in my hands, but I went for it anyway.

THE MOUNTAIN IS YOU

TRANSFORMING SELF-SABOTAGE INTO SELF MASTERY

by Brianna Wiest

I’m quite convinced this book is changing my life for the better. This book is making me rethink EVERYTHING in a good way. It’s helping me to really heal, and dive into why I am holding myself back. What are my limiting beliefs? How am I going to overcome them? (Get your copy here.)

REVISITING MY GOALS

            I was so sure I was going to go all in on life insurance no matter how long it took, and eventually I would get to where I wanted to be. After initial examination of the ways in which I sabotage my own efforts, I am realizing that becoming a life insurance agent was an act of self-sabotage in and of itself. When I really connect with myself, I always connect to the same things that I’ve always wanted: blogging, being a bookseller, writing children’s books, and helping people – even changing people’s lives – for the better.

            Every time I’ve started a blog, I’ve failed. I always had excuses for the failures too.

            “I don’t have time.”

            “I got bored with it.”

            “I’m not a good writer.”

            “I don’t want to write about just one thing.”

            “Building a website is not for me, and I can’t afford to pay someone to do it.”

            “It’s not reaching anyone because I don’t know SEO and I don’t care to learn.”

            “It was fun for the time, but I’m on to something else now and that’s what I’m focusing on.”

Red flags galore.

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!

            I’m not quitting life insurance, but I am going to adhere to my boundaries. I do enjoy it, and it’s one way that I feel I can really help people and their families. I will re-evaluate this in October 2025. Second, I’m going to write and I’m not going to care about how it comes out. If I don’t write, I cannot get better at it. Third, I’m going to sell books! Fourth, I am going to donate books (still working this out), but likely to underserved communities. Fifth, I’m going to work on those children’s books. Sixth, I am going to carve out time to write, and I am going to fight to protect it.

April 2026 Update

I broke my leg and ankle in three places at the end of January. I ended up getting my property and casualty insurance license at the beginning of January 2025. I am licensed in California, New Jersey, and Colorado. I have overhauled my website so that it is dedicated to blogging. It is no longer a financial website. I am still dedicated to life insurance and insurance in general, but it’s only one slice of the pie.

How have you reinvented yourself? Or are you currently thinking about it? Leave your experience and thoughts in the comments!